Professional Cuddler – One of only two jobs where spooning the customer won’t get you fired.

Snake-Fang Milker – Just like milking a cow, except the udders want to kill you.

Iceberg Mover – Take it from Rose and Jack, an iceberg can kill the mood faster than a toddler at the bedroom door.

Pet Food Taster – The biggest downside of this job is that you’ll probably end up begging the dog for his table scraps.

Foley Artist – Turn everyday objects like sledge hammers and chicken carcasses into Oscar-worthy sound effects.

Underwater Pizza Deliverer at the Jules’ Undersea Lodge – Every shift is like an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.

Bicycle Fisher – Arizona needs people to retrieve abandoned bikes from canals like a fish needs a bicycle.

Duck Master – Herd VIPs (very important poultry) through hotels so they stay three-dimensional.

Dog Surfing Instructor – Teach dogs how to stop catching Frisbees and to start catching waves.

Train Pusher – Move to Japan and help subway commuters get so close they can exchange DNA.

Teddy Bear Repair Technician – A fallback job for those who wash out of veterinarian school.

Face Feeler – Judge the effectiveness of skincare products like your name is Buffalo Bill.

Ash Portrait Artist – On the upside, you never have to ask the person you’re painting to sit still.

Professional Mourner – The uglier you cry at strangers’ funerals, the bigger the tips.

Furniture Tester – Lying down on the job is literally part of the job description.

Professional Line Stander – Get paid to stand around scrolling TikTok.

Bubble Wrap Stomper – The most satisfying job in the world, guaranteed.

Professional Mermaid – Flip the script on Ariel and turn fins into Franklins.

​Mosquito Researcher – Work in a research lab as an all-you-can-eat buffet for mosquitoes.

Live Mannequin – Perfect for people who always lose at freeze tag.

Paranormal Tour Guide – Don’t forget your proton pack!

Professional Coin Polisher – Make dirty money clean. No offshore accounts needed.

Chicken Sexer – It’s a literal peep show.

Insect Farmer – One man’s pest is another man’s protein shake.

Cow Mascot for Stress Relief — Because apparently cow nipples are soothing?

Professional Pen Clicker – Test the durability of pens and the patiences of your coworkers.

Gravy Quality Inspector – Someone has to make sure that every gravy boat sails smoothly.

Doll Doctor – Restore dolls to their former glory so they can terrorize the children properly.

Professional Sleeper – What’s not to love about a job where oversleeping counts as overtime?

Armpit Sniffer – Not the grossest body part you could spend eight hours a day sniffing.

Pet Psychic – Help clients figure out why their dogs hate that garden gnome on the neighbor’s lawn. 

Whale Snot Collector – The next time you get slimed by a snotty toddler, remind yourself that it could be worse. 

Sewer Diver – In a just world, the sewer divers who keep our poop-pipes flowing would get paid like CEOs.

Skyscraper Window Cleaner – The only job where your annual bonus is based on the number of birds your building kills.

Dog Yoga Instructor – You might have to deal with the occasional poo pile, but teaching downward dog pose is a breeze.

Chainsaw Juggler – The career Leatherface would have pursued if he’d had a better high school guidance counselor. 

Professional Flatulence Analyst – Help unravel one of life's great mysteries: Did he who smelt it really dealt it?

Ant Wrangler for Film – Whatever you do, don’t mention magnifying glasses while they’re preparing for a scene. 

Professional Face Slapper – In South Korea, you can get paid to slap customers into better skin. Beauty f-ing hurts.

Theme Park Zombie – When you’re a zombie, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ‘em by the brain.